I want to read a story about a wizard whose only spell is “fix this”, but the specially-crafted magic takes their intent into account. "Fix this" can mean repairing the wheel on the adventurers’ cart or healing a broken arm or “fixing” a lock so that it’s in what the wizard considers the “correct” (unlocked) position. Imagine the other mages getting increasingly frustrated as the wizard stubbornly refuses to learn any other spells.
Wizard: *points at a canyon* Fix this
Other casters: That’s not really how spells –
Wizard: Oh look, one of our blankets is now a magic carpet. Guess we don’t need a bridge.
Casters: How –
Wizard: *points at logs that won’t catch fire* Fix this
Other casters: There’s been too much rain, it won’t –
Wizard: I fixed it so that it’s in the same state it was yesterday. Someone here knows how to start a fire, right?
Casters: What –
Wizard: *points at charging dragon*: Fix this
Other casters: THAT’S NOT HOW MAGIC WORKS YOU IDIOT WE’RE GOING TO DIE
Dragon: *coughs* Did you just… cure my intestinal problems? I’ve been trying to stop breathing fire for weeks, but it just kept spilling out, and every time I tried to ask for help, I burned everything down. I won’t forget this kindness.
I had no idea giant porcupines made fucking precious sounds
THAT’S THE SOUND IT MAKES!?!?!?
UN-BE-FUCKING-LIEVABLE
We got asked if this is cute and okay. I can very happily say yes, this is stupid cute and those are happy porcupine noises.
One of my favorite things about doing zoo work was all the noises you never realize the animals make when they’re excited or interested in a new thing. Coatimundis squeak and snuffle, and giant porcupines make that sound.
It’s been a long time since I’ve seen this video on my dash, so it’s time to bring it back! The information provided above is still correct, and was sourced directly from the zookeeper that takes care of this specific animal.
the biggest fuckign power move ive ever pulled was not knowing hell and fuck about football
when i was 15 i got my first proper job in a football stadium and i was working in VIP. we were under strict orders not to fawn over the Famous People and in fact it was a sackable offense to like ask for photos or autographs with them. the thing is i didnt have a Fucking Clue who any of these people were. i didn’t know the difference between the footballers and the general rich people and tbh i kinda hated all of them. you could tell some of them were desperate to get noticed and used to swan around taking selfies with people and one time a tall boring man spent a long time leaning over the bar chatting to me and I just sorta blinked and said “tea or coffee?” and he left in a huff and then my manager came over and was like “you know that’s [famous person whose name I immediately forgot]” and I was like. Whomst. I saw him on TV the other day. anyway I hate rich people and they hate when us plebians dont immediately bend over and kiss their shoes
A girl I liked convinced me to stab a man, so I did. Felt guilty for a bit, then promptly forgot about it and walked around with the murder weapon for a couple of hours, going about my business, walking my dog. Eventually I was cornered by a plainclothes police officer who asked me why I had a bloody knife; I told him I was looking after it for my bogan cousin. He said, “You’re under arrest,” and I was like,, “No, I’m not, watch this,” and then I woke up.
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