me, crouched down in front of my tomato plants, examining a pattern of insect bites on their lower leaves: i’m going to fucking kill whoever did this. i’m going to kill them for you. don’t worry, babies. I’m going to murder every single son of a bitch who ever got a mouthful of you. they’ll die screaming
my neighbor, who i did not realize was also outside, standing behind the fence: oh! okay. you’re talking to the plants. okay.
i really hope they helped clean this up and didn’t leave the poor janitorial staff to do it all
I saw the original post on Reddit. That’s all 4 years worth of homework (they save it up for this tradition) and the underclass men clean it up (3 years of cleaning it up earns you the right to do it your senior year). The janitorial staff are there to hand out trash bags, but that’s it.
people who are afraid of snakes are fuckin’ WILD, like dude, just carefully step over these fat babies’ sausage bodies and gently move the burmese python chillin’ against the door, then you become unfathomably rich. i would do this for $10. i would do this for FREE.
The computer said my next patient’s name was Lucifer, and that he was a domestic. Not that an unusual name for a pet, I have to admit.
“Come on in. Do you have Lucifer hiding in that box for me?” I say. A gentleman dressed all in black with a rather spiky aesthetic and a selection of piercings comes into my consult room and opens the box.
He places a perfectly black rabbit on the table.
Honestly, I had been expecting a cat.
Turns out Lucifer is his new rabbit. He’d insisted on taking it from a friend who wasn’t taking care of it a few months ago.
Lucifer, for his part, had decided the table was too scary and that his dad’s leather clad armpit was the best place to be.
To my surprise and delight, our new goth rabbit owner is doing everything right. Perfect diet, read up on rabbit health, vaccinating, enrichment, the works.
He even started a vegetable garden to grow treats for the rabbit, or as he put it, “tributes for lucifer.”
From imdb: "During the filming of some scenes for The Princess Bride, the weather became markedly cold for Robin Wright Penn. Andre the Giant helped her by placing one of his hands over her head; his hands were so large that one would entirely cover the top of her head, keeping her warm.“
man the roman naming system will never cease to amaze me, and to show you what i mean i’m gonna talk about one of the baddest bitches to ever grace ancient roman history: gaius mucius scaevola
before i do that though i should probably explain how roman names work. basically you’ve got a first name (eg gaius) and a family name (eg mucius). now if you’re one rockin dude you might be given a super cool nickname (eg scaevola) to distinguish you from all the other boring ass bitches in your family, and you could then pass it on to your kids if you wanted
so how did scaevola get his nickname? well, way back in fuck-all bc, rome was getting attacked by these guys called the clusians, and our pal gaius mucius decided to sneak in and kill their king, lars porsena. unfortunately on the day that ol gaius did this, the clusian soldiers were getting paid, so porsena and his secretary were dressed up the same and gaius couldn’t tell which was which. so instead of coming back later like a normal person, he went ‘well fvck it’ and decided to murder one of them. turns out he murdered the wrong guy. WHOOPS. understandably porsena was not pleased with this and had gaius captured. however, gaius was one hell of a baller, because he was like ‘whatever, kill me if yov want, bvt some other roman will follow after me, cavse vs romans dont give a SHIT abovt dying’ and to prove his point he STUCK HIS RIGHT HAND IN A FIRE and just sort of stared at porsena while he roasted his own hand like anderson cooper with a mic at a trump rally, and i guess that freaked porsena out so much (which, fair) that he and his buddies packed up and left. after that, everyone started calling our buddy gaius ‘scaevola,’ which means LEFT-HANDED
so basically this dude saves all of rome’s ass by turning his right hand into an episode of gordonius ramsius’s kitchen nightmares, and rome is so thankful that they’re like ‘gaius mucius, you are one bad bitch and we’re gonna give you a nickname so everyone knows what a bad bitch you are’ and the badass nickname they give him is ‘lefty’
And that’s EXACTLY WHY in Italy we keep saying “mettere la mano sul fuoco” (literally “to put [my] hand into the fire”) when you’re extremely sure about something
{other Romance langs like Spanish have this expression too}
Ranty-Ramblestein's Tumblr Import 