i had a dream last night that mothman was getting sued by the state of west virginia for accidentally breaking light posts and he hired me as his lawyer and in court i was like “now my client is a giant moth so you cant blame him for loving lights” and halfway through my speech i turned to address mothman and saw he was bumping into the courtroom lights and they broke and caused a power outage
i was watching a moth fly around my room and decided to turn on my tv and the first thing that came on screen was a court room scene of a law and order episode and i got fucking whiplash
i just remembered this story my dad told me one time, about abraham lincoln
a guy challenged abe to a duel once. lincoln very much did not want to duel this cat.
so lincoln agreed, on the condition he got to choose the weapon. maybe that was how it generally went in 19th century dueling culture, i have no idea.
the guy said “sure”
lincoln said, “ok. broadswords.”
so that poor would-be opponent shows up on the day of the would-be duel, and abe is outside, doing, like, some quick sword warmups.
now, back in lincoln’s day, he was, as any american schoolchild can tell you, the tallest fucking dude on the entire fucking planet, so please try to even imagine the majestic reach of this stovepiped giant’s condor-like wingspan.
(wingspan plus broadsword.)
abe’s enemy takes one look at this, does some quick mental calculations on his own arm length (mortal, human), turns around and goes home.
the best part is that, as i remember it, lincoln of course had no fucking idea how to swordfight. it was the 1800s. we had guns. he’d just been, like, waving this giant sword around haphazardly, whacking at tree limbs, making his arms look as big as possible because he knew this joker could see him, and he knew that guy didn’t know that lincoln didn’t know what the hell to do with a broadsword.
anyway, i don’t actually know if that story is true or not but i really really hope it is. i would love to know that the president who defeated the confederacy was also fucking hilarious.
text boxes have gone from taking up the entire team to just… not being there. so i forgot this part was here and accidentally agreed to a battle
Which wouldn’t have been too big a deal, but at this point my UI just… went. so while on the top screen i was seeing this:
the bottom screen was reduced to this:
So this fight was actually surprisingly difficult as I just mashed buttons in the hopes that one of them would eventually do a thing
this fight took twenty minutes
about the only clear shot i got of anything was this
i am so so sick of this man
god yes give me another beautiful child and then never speak to me again
i tried to pick squirtle as i figured it would be thematically appropriate, but the ui crapped out on me again so i just went back to blindly button-mashing
see? a regular squirtle
god just let me leave, you’re worse than mom
WHAT DO YOU WANT SHAUNA
oh
FINALLY, what I fucking came to this city for.
So fresh
Daddy like a pretty baby
D A D D Y L I K E A P R E T T Y B A B Y
Since when can you get make up in the salon??
I’ve never seen that before! *desperately digs out X*
I don’t know what fucks me up more – the fact that it’s a 100% real, lavish 5 star resort, or that there’s exactly nothing to indicate that it isn’t literally referring to the Daedric Prince Azura
IIRC there’s even more TES references inside the hotel itself which only raises more questions
If you hold a plate against the hotel’s front entrance you’ll clip through into the Byzantine Empire, fully textured but devoid of NPCs
those are mantis:why have they not eaten each other?
they don’t just eat each other all willy-nilly, these are bugs from a research & breeder house so they’re probably well fed & don’t need to resort to those kinds of predatory behaviors!
Dance!
“Aww yeah I’m gonna dance to for the humans!” “Wait, who the heck is this? No NOO!”
He essentially halted the rape and murder orgy by American soldiers at the village of My Lai in Viet Nam during the Vietnam War by placing his chopper between the civilians and his own soldiers and telling them he’d mow their asses down if they continued the onslaught. He then flew the survivors to military hospitals for care. At least 500 Vietnamese non-combatants were brutally murdered at My Lai by US soldiers before Thompson intervened.
He was vilified by the Army and many of the American people for publicly exposing the Army’s actions at My Lai, and spent the rest of his life with ptsd, alcoholism, and severe nightmare disorder that contributed to his divorce. In other words, his own life was basically ruined by his heroic compassion. He died about 12 years ago at the age of 62 of cancer, and is buried in Lafayette, Louisiana, with full military honors.
“There is a copy of the NES game Golf in the firmware of every Switch system”
Me: Oh haha, what a weird thing, probably some remnant from the debugging process –
“Since that was a game that Satoru Iwata programmed himself, this could have been intended as a way of saying that Iwata is spiritually a part of every Switch and is watching over and protecting every system.”
On July 11th*, the date of Iwata’s passing, doing Iwata’s “directly to you” motion with the Joy-Cons on the home screen will play a sound clip of Iwata and launch the game.
(* Before you try this yourself, note that simply changing the date on your system will not work, as this runs off the Switch’s internal internet-synced clock, meaning that changing the date manually will only work if the system has never been connected to the internet)
hey, kid. you look like a discerning young customer person.
you wanna learn some cool facts about animals?
I think you dooooo. c’mon back here into this completely unsuspicious alley for some absolutely legal dealings.
meet the Conch (pronounced kONK, because why not), a large marine sea snail found throughout the Caribbean. you can probably recognize them from their shells:
found in every beach-themed restaurant and etsy store on the globe
the actual animal is a foot-long snail with a habit of peeking out at the world in the manner of a man who wants to sell you the full set of counterfeit ginsu knives hidden in his trenchcoat.
available cheap, this week only!
unfortunately for the snail, their shifty ways and general gross snail-ness are no match for the fact that they are completely fucking delicious.
wait, what
prized in the Caribbean for it’s lustrous shell and delicious delicious meats, the Conch is now threatened in most of its natural range.
look buddy, are you gonna buy these watches or what?
thankfully, some protections are now in place for nature’s scalpers. it is our genuine hope that they continue to hawk dubious goods at humanity for decades to come.
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